To Parents and Their Children- A Breakdown of Culture, Testimony and Belief

   Our beliefs and religion are a part of deep seeded culture that layers upon generations of teachings and tradition. What happens when those seeds of culture and heritage start to crumble underneath the foundation where we stand? What happens when we lose faith in our culture? Does this perpetuate the disbelief in God as well?

There is a natural tendency for humans to attempt to make sense of existence and search for patterns within life that validate understanding (Whitson, Galinsky). It is found that it isn’t religion which drives the search for meaning, but an innate and adaptive response(Azar, 2010). In fact, there is a part of the brain that “lights up” when the topic of God is brought up, according to an fMRI study (Grafman) and the idea of God is recognized by the brain as an authority figure much like a mother or father (Azar, 2010). 

With the demographics of traditional family changing due to several factors, we see that culture is also changing. Instead of the belief in God and religion bolstered by culture and heritage, people are finding that their individual beliefs and faith are becoming further and further away from what their parents and grandparents believed. This doesn’t stop at religion but also serves true for marriage and family planning too. In short, family culture is deteriorating and eroding under the current conditions of the world. 

Chances are, you’ve personally seen the shifts and changes in your own family traditions, culture and community. It may seem disheartening, worrisome or confusing, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing for traditions to change. The positives of this change are that people will be forced to look at their own personal belief system and it will be more strong and genuine as they will rely less on their parent’s faith and learn to build their own. With the deterioration of certain cultural beliefs, some toxic or negative traditions will fade out, which can benefit incoming generations and lead to healthier personal identities and the implementation of stronger boundaries. 

However,  without the piggybacking and scaffolding of a parent’s testimony, there is always a chance that the child will feel confused and even leave the religion of origin without the sturdy foundation of the ‘village’ to buoy him or her up.

When the deep seeds of culture crumble beneath our feet, causing us to question our beliefs, it is important to remember that culture and religion while grouped into the same social context can be different. If you’ve ever been to a church meeting, you’ve most likely been exposed to people that are from a different cultural background than you are. With religions converting and fellowshipping due to missionary and charity work comes the melding of culturally diverse populations. 

Chances are if you’ve ever been to church and got some weird looks, it’s not because a person perceived you as unworthy of God’s love, but their cultural radar was signaling that you are different from them. This means that while you can be a part of the same religion, your culture and background can be very different. 

In the end, beliefs are not only sacred, but extremely unique. Members of the same religion still have different experiences that make up their personal and central belief system. Parents may find it especially disheartening if their children detach from cultural or religious practices but it is important to remember that agency is a powerful tool of growth and learning which will aid in an authentic core belief system. Chances are that if a child leaves a religion and rejoins later on, they will not be rekindling what they lost, but will have gained what they never really had. Many times a “faith crisis” isn’t a faith crisis at all but a journey called moratorium, or in other words, a very uncomfortable and shaky attempt to find ones own identity which is a healthy but scary place for both family and child. Many of the most devout people have all gone through this phase but have done it privately, without mention to family or friends and continued to live life as normal, going through moratorium and eventually finding a healthy spiritual identity. A common misunderstanding is that people are only leaving religion, when in reality, many people are leaving the culture they grew up in and religion comes second to that. 

The best thing parents can do for their child who is experiencing moratorium is to love them unconditionally through whatever phase of faith they are going through. It is a lonely and oftentimes scary process to navigate and they’ll need you more now than ever before. If you are a believer in Christ, emulate what He would do by continually fellowshipping and loving them. Creating a safe space for them will be key when they finally do make a concrete decision and they will want nothing more than for you to be standing in their corner. If a culture isnt safe for a child, it is less likely that they will have painful or drawn out journeys to find their identity. Their culture will compliment them instead of repelling or shaming their personal decisions and they likely will never grow too far a part from family. Ways that you can foster safety during rocky identity moments are:

-To be curious: genuinely ask how they feel about certain aspects of their life and beliefs. 

-Be honest about what you observe: if you see them saying one thing but doing another, lovingly let them know what you see and let them know that you’re always an open door if they want to talk. 

-Leave fear at the door: if they detect that you are fearful, they may decide that it’s best to not share their real feelings or beliefs in order not to hurt you or rock the boat. 

-Allow children the option to choose: Telling your child what is the best thing they could do seems right for you, but they may not understand or know if it is right for them. What seems perfect common sense to you may seem like a foreign language to them and this is why allowing them agency to choose what is right for them will foster healthy identity. 

-Guide them: guiding by example can help more than anything you could offer aside from love and acceptance. Loving guidance means allowing them to follow in your footsteps, even if they seem miles behind, and having safe spaces to ask questions of you if they should ask. Guidance means inviting them to be a part of whatever you’re doing and allowing them to decline if they wish without guile. 
-Seek to understand: the more your child feels understood, they will come back to talk to you more about how they feel. When you seek to understand, they will know they matter to you. 

With rapidly changing cultural values in western society, we will be asked to “sit” with our authentic beliefs more often than in years past. Our kids will most likely believe much differently than we do- even if they stay members of the same religion. For parents to leave a lasting and healthy impression their children, it is important for the example and legacy they set to be one of love, understanding and safety. Their children will likely make a full circle to what was safe and authentic rather than what served to be shameful, fearful and approval driven. 

In fact, approval seeking doesn’t come from the core beliefs of God but from cultural or societal expectation. The beliefs of God are hinged on private acts of goodness and integrity, an emulation of a higher power out of love and trust. Outside acts of approval are for the world and people to see and admire. If parents want to preserve discipleship in their children, they must put God before culture. 

Our home should be a refuge from the storm for our children. As parents we have to be diligent in raising our children in a different generation and it’s time we admit to ourselves that they will not learn the way we did. Oncoming generations aren’t impressed by offering respect out of age and seniority but by respectful authoritative guidance and structure. They are asking us to practice what we preach and to love them for who they uniquely are. Generations past are marred with acceptance by martyrdom, sacrifice, adherence to impossible standards and shame.  Our children are tired and moreover confused by our ability to preach something but by so many words and deeds go against it, finding our own justification for our actions.

Our children are far from stupid. In fact their ability to question sets them a part from us. They want to truly believe something with all their hearts rather than believing out of culture’s sake or for the sake of herd mentality. That’s not truth seeking for them, but a lifelong sentence of pain and confusion impacted by covenant making and keeping that they don’t quite understand. They are looking for an opportunity of conversion much like they’ve seen within their favorite leaders at church and friends who’ve been converted. They feel displaced and alone when those sacred moments don’t come and start to feel fearfully flawed. 

Refuge from the storm is accepting them in all of their many moments, good, bad and confusing. Their ability to make ideals for themselves is a good indication that their faith is still being developed, even if they’re adults and have a seemingly unbelieving heart. Their beliefs are ever changing with each age and stepping stone. Even though their journey may not look like ours, it is a canvas with unique beauty that is priceless and worthy of love. If you love them for who they uniquely are, listen with an un-judgmental heart and emulate your testimony, you will continually make a safe space for them to adopt parts of your beliefs. The parts they adopt will always be what you made safe for them. 

Azar, Beth. (2010). A reason to believe. 

     American psychological association,                  

     Retrieved by https://www.apa.org/monitor/2010/12/believe